what bosses are for

i think most people have those moments where they just want to squash their bosses, and drink it down their throat.

i've seen my colleague personally cried, clenched their fist in front of me to show their anger and drown themselves with excessive food so as to 'let it go'.

i have yet to see anybody react uncontrollably in front of the boss himself. somehow that composure remains, that sabr is exercised so well.

my boss have shouted at me, and i could coolly pretend it does not matter. i didnt even flinch or falter, which to be honest amaze me too.

im just trying to figure it out why is it so hard to maintain that patience with people closest to me. somehow the rebel in me keep showing up.

i think i was more patience when i volunteered at a disable place, where sometimes, the kids, because they cannot control their own face muscle would spat at me while talking.

i feel ashamed that i cannot be as patient with my partner now. perhaps its because of his very tolerable nature, it is easier to become defensive.

i feel ashamed that i can loose my cool in front of my aged parents, when they have tolerated so many of my shortcomings.

thus i am on a path of struggle. to fight with my own self, against intolerance, against impatience.

part of becoming an adult is learning to forgive.

part of becoming an adult is learning to show mercy.

people talk about the big things, so many dream of becoming great, of saving the world. heck, some are even angry about the use of plastic bags!

but if we cannot even show respect, love and mercy to our love ones, in the long run the consequence will be felt in ourselves.

sometimes i wonder why there are unrest and uneasiness inside, but after reflecting my own actions, i see cracks that need to be mended. i see hearts that need to be consoled.

thus, the boss has become the best catalyst for me to exercise putting my best self forward.

now its just a matter of treating everybody like i would, towards him.

happiness comes from concerning about others more than we do about ourselves.

energyy

phwoar!! writing feels like ancient history to me, in fact i almost forgot where the letters go on my keyboard! ( and this, my dear students is an exaggeration. that's right, use double g's!) ah, i do miss teaching sometimes. i loved looking at my students faces, their serious expressions in trying to understand what i said or implied, and sometimes their sudden outburst of laughter that just light up the whole room. i remember now one of my classroom, with its scenic view of green trees and blue sky- amidst our chaotic ramblings, those moments where i wished for time to freeze, so that i could savor the joy slightly longer.

my 'quietness' in my writing is because life has been hectic, with too many moments i just want to freeze. finally, i think after weeks without enough rest, i decided to put a stop today to give way to room cleaning. i dropped dead for quite sometime, Allah knows I need it!

It turns out my hasben is a real social bee with abundance of energy to spare- (must be all those honey) thus even my weekend is packed with classes, work, visiting my parents, and...coordinating this with whatever plan my hasben has. when i was single i thought my activities were hectic already with different classes, volunteering, and the likes. i thought once married i would somehow 'settle down'. those who say such things probably have never been married.

because i dont eat a lot my energy level is lower, thus making me easily burnt-which at times must iritates mr. energetic. but what can i do!! right now Im eating more supplement foods, like dates, honey, habatus sauda to catch up!

last night, after our class ended (we go to class on tuesday night where we study one religious book with an ustaz. the understanding will be different and deeper as compared to when one reads alone) hasben wanted to go to our second home to buy some groceries. our items are pretty much consistent: we always buy:

1. chicken
2. tons of milk (minimum 8 boxes)
3. barbican
4. ice cream
5. hot dog
6. bliss drink for waif.
7. eggs

after we got home (midnight) hasben decided to have a 'picnic on bed' so i had to throw some frozen pizza in the oven, heat up a chicken soup and make some garlic bread. i even spread out a picnic blanket on our bed to complete the whole night fiesta theme. hehe. it turned out, because waif started to get cranky while baking the pizza, it wasn't properly baked. hasben decided to go all the way downstairs to BAKE IT AGAIN at 1 o clock in the morning. and then we continued our picnic.

finally, at about 2 am hasben started to get drowsy (no i did not use drug on him) and started to talk less. that means bedtime is near. after some more conversation in the dark, i heard a gentle snore (tak la gentle sangat) signaling resting time. phew!

while washing the dishes yesterday i could not help but felt a sense of gratitude that each moments in my life now is spent on my family, or work, or learning; that hopefully will benefit me in the hereafter.

as my boss would say, "If you are busy (with worthwhile things), be thankful. It's a good sign that you're improving yourself."

motivation

I cannot sleep tonight, and I came across the blog

The author has passed away, May grant him mercy after battling with cancer.

Reading about other people's life journey makes me wonder about my own journey. All the precious memories I can remember as if it only happened yesterday.

Life is but a fleeting moment.

and indeed death is just around the corner.

oh material world

Don't get me wrong, I like expensive stuff.

I especially like clothes that can look so simple, so understated, and yet the price tag can make me choke if I think too much about it.

I have been guilty to buy hairclips at 19.90...and other annoying stuff that will be lost after few months of purchase.

I have paid a ridiculous amount on a bag.

Had I not waste my money I probably can go to hajj by now!

Waa.

And observing people around me, I am assured that I am not an isolated case, in fact, it just seems so neutral now.

I used to come back from shopping and tried all the stuff excitedly for five minutes, and then busy myself thinking of the next things to get. Already! Sometimes, I'd be at the counter paying, and my mind would already be plotting of things to buy that will go perfect with this thing I just bought. Sometimes I feel guilty of my own thoughts, (I bad bad girl) but now I know it is the very nature of desire to never feel satisfied.

"If the son of Adam were given a valley full of gold, he would love to have a second one; and if he were given a second one, he would love to have a third, for nothing fills the belly of Adam's son except dust. and Allah forgives those who repent to Him." (Al-Bukhari: 446)

So what stopped me on my never ending quench for stuff?

Alhamdulillah, our house caught fire last year. It was devastating yes, but our house is prettier now Alhamdulillah. During those trying time it was hard to say that Allah just want to replace us with something better, and more importantly, teach me a lesson.

One thing I learn, I can live with much much less.

Second thing I learn, we wont even miss almost all the stuff we lost.

Third, with less stuff, we focus less on perfecting the perfect image of ourself, and we can dig in deep to much substantial stuff, for instance our character! I am not saying yes for scruffy outfits, but I know now to be moderate is the best gift you can give to yourself.

Fourth, our true friends will stick with us no matter what we wear, regardless how much or how little money we have.

As we grow older our lifestyle is determined by ourselves.

Its okay to have taste, its okay to want the best for ourselves, but at the end of the day its important to spend according to our pocket.

A 500 ringgit shirt can be a luxury for some, while for a millionaire, it might be a humble purchase.

Last nite I wanted to show hubby my new glasses. So I was winking, and rolling my eyes, moving my brows, and he was like 'what?!'

Finally I pointed to my new glasses, and he said, 'what's wrong with your eyes?'

grrrr. somebody shoot me now! Having four sisters I'm so used to having them noticing every tiny new things I've acquired, as little as a bookmark.

finally, I had to say 'I got myself a new glasses' (finally-my old glasses just keep falling now my face coz I sat on it) and he couldn't believe I would buy 'the same one'. its not the same!!!

My point is, the person that would care the most about how we look is, ourself.

To rise above our material desires is indeed a big feat, but you will start noticing more important things in life that can warm your heart like no materials can.

There is an advert near my house that advertise a 0% interest rate, for buying HANDBAGS.

If you cant pay cash for a handbag, forget it.

Handbags cant buy you love.

Okayyy on another note altogether, this picture arrive in my email, right on our four months wedding mark-which we didnt realize until last night.

hasben: *gasp. we forgot our fourversary!! (yes we are still at that stage where we count how many days we have been married, please forgive the excitement)

me: *gasp. what's the date?

hasben: 15th of March! you forgot! (see how he subtly blame me?!)

me: YOU forgot too!

hasben: I am not a WOMAN. (and now the whole female population)

I pray that Allah grant us all spouses that will be the coolness of our eyes. Love is indeed, a beautiful thing.

Someone asked me last nite, 'are you contented with your marriage life?'

and I was like mmmm [nodding] and in my head 'huh? contented? I is happy beyond words lah'.

"And among the signs is that He created you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and he has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect." (ArRum: 21)

I pray that Allah grant you mercy and put tranquility in your hearts, whoever you are.

just rambling

oh and the world just keep spinning, and each day we are all closer to meet our creator.

I was watching an arabic class lecture and the language is like a big puzzle to me, that its just awesome. a puzzle is something that can be solved, understood, and completed and i am optimistic this time round that i will gain something valuable. its there, all this years, thrown at our face from the left, right and centre-finally, I feel like I'm cracking a secret code with this language, and that's probably why I'm excited. because it seems like a game to me.

well I'm on lesson 3, (lets not mention anything about hasben's LACK OF PROGRESS lately) and there will be many lessons yet to come.

we were at Borders yesterday and I remarked to hasben of my lack of interest with fiction nowadays. well. what can I say. I must have read hundreds of those and at some point I just got sick of it. hasben dramatically remarked "you have been given the light!!!" hmm...I guess this is the phase where I am bored of love stories; so full of sexual innuendos, and lack of substance. i feel like a makcik already.

My mind is thinking of those distressed people in Japan, and when I open facebook and find people complaining about the most ridiculous things, I just wanna put all these people in a box, and send them there.

note for lazy days

Thank you hasben for buying me a new set of 'The History of Islam' series 'so that I won't have anymore craving for it.' I kept holding back to buy it considering the rows of books I haven't got round to.

But Allah knows best, I managed to read the introduction yesterday and found a beautiful ayat that just rings true to me.

"And that man can have nothing but what he does." An-Najm: 53: 39

What a beautiful sentence.

And from all aspect of life, you will gain nothing but what you do.

Ever seen old couple holding hands and lovingly talk to each other? Than know that it's not a result of love or magic, it's a result of their hard work and commitment at the relationship.

Who is the most successful person you know? Know that he worked hard at it.

When is your happiest moment in life? All the trials you faced before that let you taste the sweetness of joy.

Just as your soul will only be carrying your own sin, know that your soul will only benefit from the good that one earns for himself.

Abu Hurayrah said that the Prophet Muhammad SAW said:

"When a person dies, his deeds will cease except in three cases: from a righteous son who invokes Allah for him, or an ongoing charity after his death, or knowledge that people benefit from."

Well one's son does not just pop out overnight and become righteous does he? Who takes care of him when he was unable to take care of himself? Who instill all the good morals and behaviors in him?

"...and one offspring are among what he has earned" 7:241.

Does the ongoing charity appear by itself or initiated by someone? Just as one walk on a sand and leave a trail of his footsteps, the deed is but a trace of one owns action.

'..We record that which they send before (them) and their traces.' 36:12

and lastly,

"Whoever invites to guidance, he will earn as much reward as those who follow him, without decreasing anything out of their own rewards." Muslim 4: 2060.

So when you are feeling lazy remember,

"and that man can have nothing but what he does."

whats next

we will be attending a special wedding shortly, these two people are matched by hasben! alhamdulillah. its funny remembering how my hasben kept sending sms to the groom to encourage him getting married, something like 'bestnya ada isteri boleh pegang tangan' etc!.

anyway the wedding day will probably mark a big change in anyone's life. its a huge turning point and how glad I am to have passed that stage, so that I can concentrate on a bigger thing to come which will make anyone's wedding day pale in comparison.

well, there will be another big day or days when one will give birth (and then again and again) and of course minus the fairy tales. *sigh. what a blessing a wedding is! all we think about is buying a beautiful dress, seeing our husband looking good, glancing at each other nervously, meeting family and friends. all NICE things. what about birth? well seeing the baby would be awesome, but the PAIN. and what freak me out the most is there will most likely be SCISSORS involved, and no it wont be used to cut your hair! argh! I'll just be in a state of denial of the things to come. but of course, the good news is if I die during childbirth I will get the rewards of a martyr.i still dont like the scissors! and for me there will be a huge possibility that hasben wont be next to me during all that gory stage because he is afraid of BLOOD. my big macho hasben who wont say 'see you soon' because its not manly enough for him is scared of blood! its doesnt make any sense! anyway in case you are wondering I am not pregnant yet!

going back to my point. what is the very special day that is bigger than any wedding day or other days after that?

DEATH.

What will it be like, when we gasp for that very final breath, will it be a gasp full of anticipation, to utter that 'lailahaillallah' ( if God wills ) or a gasp of anguish and regret?

Its a reality and the fact that it could happen any second, minute, day or year should make one busy preparing for that day.

The question is, am i preparing it at least as hard (and it should be much much much much harder) as I prepared for my wedding?

DEATH. don't forget!