its good to ask

and so hubby gave an interesting review about my poem.

'which pillow are you talking about? is it the one with peta-peta?'

hah. this is what happens when a literature girl marries a literal man.

thank you.

and so yesterday while combing my hair i casually asked him,

'so whats my worse worse habit that you have seen so far?'

without hesitation, he said

'your moodiness'.

'ahah. and my second worse habit?'

'you not smiling when you are moody.'

'and my third worse habit?'

'your moodiness.'

'so my bad habits basically revolve around this mood thing right?'

'yes what is up with your moods?'

speechless sekejap. but it got me thinking. i must really conquer this mood swings. as he said,

'not only it makes you feel bad, you also spread the badness to people around you.'

and worse, to the person i love the most. maafkan saya...

i think its good to ask things like this, getting things out in the open.

thinking of more questions to ask. there are so many things i do not realize about myself.

consumed

its so easy to be consumed with work. its addictive. and monetarily rewarding.

but life will go so fast, and ill regret not spending more time with my family.

hah. family! my family is so cute right now because theres just me, and him. hehe. cant get any smaller than this.

leaving work early today...yippee. i can see daylight. daylight? Im afraid I will get cuaca shock. and maybe melt like a vampire.

of wives and mothers

the kuala lumpur childrens book fair is over. though i was not directly involved, picking up husband each night, and working 7 days straight has been tiring. but so enjoyable to test my limit. ive got strained neck, sore body and eyebags. but the course i conducted yesterday was by far the most successful.at least i can smile about that. of course, few hours before that begged husband to kidnap me so i didnt have to face the crowd. huhu.

i have been thinking of wives and mothers, roles so universal; yet uniquely tailored according to one's ability. allahuakbar. continuously amazed. words of this poem has been floating in my brain for days! has to clean my braindrive from all these random thoughts.

the pillow
the comfort
the resting place

the pillow
engulfes empty spaces
the pillow
does not know its worth
nor does it realize its own beauty

the pillow
soft enough to be leaned on
hard enough for support
full of love
and compassion
without force
without you having to ask for it

the pillow
quietly trods through life
battered
honored

2010

phew! what a year.

I enjoyed the beginning of the year; still renting a room in the big city, in a flat known to be full of criminals. In fact my neighbor turned out to be a drug dealer! hah! the police has caught him. The dogs stopped barking at me, and I met a good tailor who can sew clothes super quick. I learnt screen printing, wasted lots of money on paints, sew few clothes and watched lots of movies. Planned to start saving up for posh studio apartment and travel the world.


up to middle year. Oops so busy doing editing for the bookfair. So happy this year being more experienced selling books. Met abang CD who turned out to be husband. got to know the best bookstore ever! because it introduce me to Islam in deeper ways.hehe. abang CD told me about al-khadeem. best jugak. also he told me about music being haram. kurang best in the beginning. he tricked me by listening to one of my fav speaker khalid yassin, talk about music. so licik! huhu.

middle year. opened the door to my room in Shah Alam. saw black smoke. screamed for dad. we rushed out. top house exploded. my clothes and money got burnt. hah nampaknya dah miskin. huhu. we pindah rumah temporary. so tiny, so hot. mashaAllah. ujian hebat. abang CD proposed. hah. another mashaAllah.

after middle year. begged mak ayah nak kawin cepat. few small drama lah jugak. antara ayat yang diwar-warkan masa tu 'bila nak jumpa Imran ni? bila boleh datang rumah ni? nak kawinnnn, please nak kawinnn awal, bila nak kawin ni??? mak please nak kawin awal, i dont care! kawinkan saya! kawinnnnn' hahaahaaa. finally Imran could meet parents. we both demam tergezut wish finally granted. masa tunang demam. and few times after that demam. terkejut, stress, overjoyed.demam time!

almost end of year.kawin. pegi honeymoon. trying to get used waking up in the middle of the night and see a big guy next to me. remind myself im married, it is only hasben, and not pencuri. hahaha. ini effect duduk flat kot. banyak jumpa penjenayah!

almost almost end. braved myself to give 2 months notice to find a better prospect. slowly piecing it all together. nampaknya tak semua plan menjadi. Allah knows best!

waaa. alhamdulillahiala kullihal.

24

Yesterday I turned 24.

Me, husband, my in laws, Imran's anak sedara/our pet child Balqis went out for dinner. Arif my adik ipar joined in later.

In the restaurant there is an aquarium of oren fish, swimming. Next to it a christmas tree. Our pet loved it. I love watching her eyes lit up when I pointed to one fish who was upside down, I think it was eating the lumut on the surface.

In between all the chaos husband leaned in and kissed me on the cheek.

It felt like all the pain and struggle that I went through in life was worth it for me to be where I am now.

It makes it more meaningful.

* I got another book, 'First Things First' by Khalid Baig.

cameron

I still haven't seen the official wedding pics; believe it or not, because our lovely cameraman robert *bukan nama sebenar wants to give us a wedding album as a gift. hah! a GIFT. I am patiently waiting for that, hopefully we'll get to see it before my wrinkles start showing up. hahaha. I am paranoid about wrinkles because I feel my face becoming so dry nowadays. too much aircond,too little water.

Here are some pictures from our honeymoon.


We spent 5 days in this lovely bungalow. It has 7 bedrooms and we were the only guest! There are 2 caretakers aunty and uncle; and Imran is convinced aunty followed us back and is hiding somewhere. Occasionally he will shout 'aunty!'. I think he just miss Cameron! Anyway we stayed for free; this place belongs to Imran's best friend's dad's company.

We ate our breakfast here each morning. Just basking in the gorgeous view. The weather was 19 degrees for the whole five days. Freezing but best. At least muka tak minyak-minyak.


Never mind the slumpy pose, we jungle trekked during Raya Haji. I thought the forest were quite lord of the ring like. Kinda anticipated a fairy or two but none was spotted. We didn't get to go to Mossy Forest, but kabus were still everywhere.

Quite slippery.


The Chef. To not make me feel so bad he did let me make the 3 in 1 hot chocolate.



Boh Tea plantation. Very Scottish like.
Mount Brinchang. The tallest mountain in Malaysia that can be reached by car. We didn't expect it to be so high, or so cold. Scenic.

The path leading to Mount Brinchang.

Watch tower. Gayat.


Beautiful day.



We did a lot of walking in Cameron.

Bee farm.

Inilah kami. Alhamdulillah. Thanks for all your prayers :)

Many have asked 'how's married life?' hee. I don't quite know how to answer. There were times where I was and will be so tired with all the added responsibilities. But being a wife suits me.

May Allah grant we all a spouse and children that will be the coolness of our eyes.

justify yourself

in an ideal world we all dont need to justify ourselves and what we belief; nor the path that we chose to walk on.

in the real world we fight to have our say. and we fight further more for our belief.

i have been thrown a word that repulses me to the core, because I am not that person. i feel sick inside because of people's ignorance, and their arrogance to admit that they do not know everything. i say people because there seem to be more stupid people around every day.

let me just justify myself: i have chosen this belief, this hijaab, and this outfit because i have chosen a life of submission.

i see you rage perhaps because i somewhat do not conform to the 'norm'. but norm in society as i see it changes from time to time. one minute a group can despise gays and another 50 years later it might accept it as a valid family institution. women were treated just like garbage bag, not worthy of any inheritance nor education. the next i hear the screams for woman's right.

it shouldn't be too surprising then, that i do not see the options offered lucrative. at all.

so do not rage at me for having a belief. a belief that you deem is the same with you but there is a difference.

i don't intend to put one foot in my religion, and another in jahilliyah and hedonistic ways.

because i dont find peace in it.

you do not need to justify yourself to me; because i do not have time in the first place to scrutinize your weaknesses and mistakes.

thank you very much.

yayasan ta'lim

in TTDI actively conduct religious classes almost daily. I have been attending the tuesday night class which uses the book belief in Allah, the first book in series of 8. The class is not burdensome, it runs for only an hour 8.30-9.30 and ustaz Yunus presents the topic with such ease (and no rush to finish the syllable!) that i think i'm going to keep on going inshaAllah.

the best thing is its within walking distance.

I was searching hard for classes such as this and alhamdulillah now has found my cup of tea! haha. now there are lots of lectures and classes opportunity; the only thing is finding the right timing.

feel like im just starting to learn about Islam.and you know what, it feels great.

:D

kawin present

some extra wedding money = a toyota sewing machine-though not the same model. i just snatched an almost look alike machine from google.

huhu. i am simply not a jewelery person, and they cannot provide the same excitement for me.plus its harder to lose this big thing! i was eyeing for another brand but had to wait for a week for that. a week is too long.

also, during nikah i got a watch instead of a ring. its your wedding; why not get what you love eh?

i was saying to husband, this is like a playstation for me. cant wait to make a right mess in his room with fabrics.

spousehood

its 2 weeks tomorrow post-wedding.woa. that quick? the preparation for wedding felt so slow, with all the suspense and drama almost killing me.
am adjusting to a new place, new roommate, and housemates (mama, papa, oren, and...balqis the naughty niece) yes i am staying with my in laws for the time being- something some find interesting to know how its going.
so far so good!

some days i even get breakfast ready, and most of the time i get back from work dinner is ready too. hah! i do feel quite embarassed for not using the kitchen just yet. in all honesty i'm excited at the prospect of serving husband something (most likely burnt) to eat. just havent got round to adjusting how and when is appropriate to use the kitchen! also..my sleeping habit from singlehood-waking up 10 minutes before naik kereta time is hard to change. this morning it was quite a big feat for me to wake up at 7.35!

im trying to chip in with the house chores-we'll see how it goes! very grateful that in-laws are not scrunitizing me 24-7.they are pretty laid back people.

now...me and husband have developed a habit that needs to be kicked out immediately.
sleeping excessively. we would plan to clean the room, watch a movie, upload our pictures, cook, go to classes. yet we'd end up sleeping after isya', usually after talking and entertaining Balqis who will go home at 8 ish or 9 ish.
then we wake up and say 'whatt we didnt get anything done-again! and ok see you tonight!' time just flyy.

i was nervous before marriage, but once you are in it, you learn to adjust accordingly. and i see now marriage is a good opportunity for you to become better Muslims inshaAllah, because your life doesn't revolve around you anymore.

as this is my first proper commitment to someone, i find it an exhilarating experience. yesterday i looked at this guy, this stranger i've come to know and love within the last few months and think 'wow. he'll be there, inshaAllah till the end of my life.'

the angel speaks

When making d'ua for someone the angel will reply
'O Allah, provide him/her with something better.'

kawin

alhamdulillah...inshaAllah my life after this will be accompanied by this awesome person.

i am a Puan.

woo!

what an awesome gift.

alhamdulillah.

sikit

i see a tiny light flickering with work. hoorah!

wee editors are like little elves. we look at the smallest things. we are not seen.and when we do a good job we go home singing.

alhamdulillah.

Dont forget to praise the Lord and make dua a lot during this special 10 days before Eid. It is such blessed timing beloved by Allah, the Prophet and his companions.The companions would say takbeer loudly-so as to proclaim their faith, and as an act of worship during this time. and they would increase their ibadaah during this time.

May Allah bless you, whoever you are and grant you hidayaah. May Allah grant you jannah.ameen.

right timing!

i was and probably still am visibly stressed.

a friend passed me a memo-

'don't be upset. everything will be better.'

thanks Allah; you know how much I needed that.

oh kindy

Overheard an Indian teacher at a dominantly Chinese kindy speaking Manglish like her 4 year old students.

She has been overpowered by the little monsters and didn't even see it coming.

The danger of TESL is your students slang might just be caught by you.

Next thing you know, you're saying 'how are you ahhh' and 'why is your hair so messy aahhh'.

teacher aahhh, get serious!

november already

wah 12 days left. time felt so slow before. and now it seems so fast.

i still have few invitations to send, and looking forward for a week off soon.

meanwhile- the work just keep rolling in. whoaa. sometimes my eyes just glazed over them-they seemed like a big blur to me esp. now its closer to the wedding.hee.

next week i will take 2 days off starting thursday so i can pamper my hair- my rare indulgence once in a while. i wont do all the mandi bunga stuff. johnson's johnson has been good enough ay ay!

i wonder if i will cry or choke during nikah..hmm..

we'll see.

may Allah make it easy..

hi miss!

i met my old lecturer yesterday while looking for a book.

for some reason i blushed. because she was the strict type. the reasonably strict type.

'so what are you up to?'

she asked.

i felt a kind of dread.

i'm not THERE yet.

but she reminds me of me- 3 years ago.

i dont have that terribly exciting i'd rather work than sleep feeling yet.

i dont really dress that well-still.

and i stutter when im nervous-still.

but im much calmer and settled somehow.

and positive as usual.

but of course i couldnt blurt all this out.

we exchanged polite greetings instead.

and went our separate ways.

glad that at least we'd cross path again.

if only for a minute.

hi miss!

saving

an interesting advice from dr. faridah as i was commenting on her post

well more like Dr. Faridah's late father, may Allah bless him

He started saving up for his daughter's hajj account since she was SIX.

Wah. and Dr. F said she bought her first car with part of that money!

what an awesome practice that i wish i have emulated sooner.

in fact i was planning to start saving up for my wedding end of this year- masa ni belum jumpa calon. and i learnt my lesson well not to hasten a good act.

so my advice to single people is start saving anyway. no you dont need that 200 ringgit shoe. no you do not need to spoil yourself rotten.

just because you have boobs your future guy will not be able to grant all your wishes.

soon that money you stashed will be much needed.

maybe to follow your dreams.

maybe as a down payment.

or for travel.

or a sewing machine (sigh)

and pay off mum's debt. (double sigh)

life!

:D

oprah

current interest is reading articles from oprah.com.

simply to keep me sane during writing-up process.

writing a book is harder than expected. writing a children's book is much harder.

i wish uia had a children literature course. hope they'll be one in the future. so far a promising writing for children course i saw is in the US.

i'd love to travel again but gotta marry 'the boyfriend' first.

nangis

quite a lot of people asked whether i am nervous or scared.

my work is taking a huge part of my life this moment and at times i cannot think of anything else. there are so many things i want to complete within this 3 weeks. im quite grateful jugak, at least it helps me not to become nervous! hehe.

also those few things that i have to take care off, like buying gifts for hantaran, and maybe finding a shoe, and other small details occupy my free time. yes!

but one of the nights last week i find myself awake in the middle of the night. crying. soon i'll be leaving the safe cocoon my parents have built for me to move to another one with different roles that comes with it.

i guess thats why babies cry once they enter the world, that split, physically and emotionally must have shook them to brave up the new world they are entering- cry of courage.i hope!

i think my tears were more melancholic, simple reflecting how far i have come, and wondering about whats coming. i see my parents and i just want to scream that i love them with all my heart no matter what. its scary to stop depending on them. at the same time exhilarating.

i remember going up the cable car, i was so scared that something would happen. but once i see the whole view everything was worth it. i see the bigger picture.

im still a bit wobbly from the quick turn of events unfolding one by one, but its all good.you just got to give up good to get great!

sms dari iman

pagi ini

'Selamat Pengantin Baru. Tak dapat hadir sebab demam.'

dan saya balas

'sah demam. saya kawin bulan depan.'

reading course

has gone ok last saturday- i felt my 2 hour slot were quite dull. the next one will be on the 26th of desember; and i really want to revamp the course syllable inshaAllah.

its quite a relief to have it over so i can concentrate on doing things for my wedding.

on saturday nite me and three shopaholic friends scrounged the jalan TAR. they have long recommended the place for beautiful wedding veil. they were beautiful, but just not me. i like simple and pretty stuff. they were heavy and pretty.

i am not going to wear heels because i am a 5'6 ish bride (and not a midget as imran would say)

i think the rest of the things is pretty much settled by my lovely parents. they said they have booked the catering. i did not ask for the menu pulak but inshaAllah they'll be good.

i will use pakcik's bekas hantaran since he just got married. and mum said her friend is lending us a brand new dulang set. wah people can be so generous.

imran's mum has booked kuih bahulu to give to guests.

everything is pretty much low-key alhamdulillah. ive always wanted a simple wedding. in fact i think i once berangan to have a wedding by the sea so i can wear casual clothes; and then we could jump straight into the sea. haha. talking about sea imran said he wants to bring me to perhentian after the wed but my friend pointed out that its the monsoon season and i might get blown by the wind masa naik bot nanti. cis! guess we'll have to see whats the weather's like next month.

sometimes i do feel nervous (the feeling is like im going to puke) my life is going steer into another big turn and i do not see whats around the corner. but whenever i see imran smile or laugh i know that things will turn out fine.

fugly

you can have the most perfect skin

the prettiest face

the loveliest clothes

but if you don't mend those heart

to be beautiful

to me you're just freaking ugly

knowledge..

yasir qadhi in his lecture 'why we worship Allah' said nothing bring about religious spirituality like knowledge.

my recommendation for Islamic books and lectures (english):

you can try these places:

www.abuhudzaifahhoney.blogspot.com
www.dakwahbookstore.com.my
www.ibtbooks.com

i know you are an editor, but what is it that you do?

1. well i edit children's books like the one above. had you seen the unedited version you would have been shocked at how different it is. the reason is there are 5 editors in our company-we all have one aim of producing great books but our way to get there are different.

2. sometimes my boss have an urgent letter or proposal to make, he might call me up to do the typing too.

3. sometimes i make tea for visitors.

4. i also talk to writers wanna be about the procedures.

5. i try hard to convince my boss why a particular manuscript should not have seen the daylight in the first place.

6. i coordinate with graphics and illustrators. i chase them up, i drive them crazy by doing proofreading for about 50 times before im satisfied and i might buy them food to make it up to them. and then..i do it again.

7. my colleagues might ask me the spelling of a particular word. i go to google and give them the answer. they think im a genius. i think google is genius. its a good deal.

8. sometimes i kill cockroaches in the kitchen.

9. if im not in the mood to work i talk to my colleagues, sms my fiance, email, open facebook, open my blog and make coffee. guilty as charged.

10. my desk is very messy. i dont clean them up until my boss gives me the i cant believe you are this disgusting look.

11. i look out the window if i turn blue from reading too much.sometimes i feel like i work in a cave. with air condition.

12. the marketing people or my boss or other editor will also chase me about my deadline, or about the progress of my book.

13. yes, i have to write books too. sometimes rhymes- and some published! i am proud of this fact even though i only write silly rhymes about frogs, dolls, naughty kids, good kids, monsters and the like.when the rhymes don't work i get frustated, i sulk, write it again, throw it in the bin, go home and buy a ridiculously expensive food. the next day i try again.

14. i sleep sometimes. sorry boss.

15. i talk to international publishers who coolaborate with us. most of the time my boss will tell me what to say. sometimes i am is his personal secretary.

16. we also have a schedule for answering the phone, going to the bank, buying stationery, and counting books at the store.

17. sometimes i forget where i put things, so i frantically look for them.

18. i do filing work, i put contract in the right cabinet, i buy books, i get free books, and i make sure the shoes in front are organized nicely.

19. i try to make sure my socks have no holes in them since we dont wear shoes here.

20. now we have a pep talk every morning at 9.00. if i dont find it interesting i doodle things in my diary.

21. my boss who's a big reader sometimes ask whether i have read a particular book or watch a movie he deems interesting. when i say no he'll look at me like you unbelievably dull girl! of course when i ask him the same thing and he says no i have to look at him like its ok, you dont have time to read such dull book anyway. of course i always feel like saying 'ahah! gotcha!'.

you know...its a whole load of things mixed into one.

sometimes my days are a just a big blur.

sometimes its awesome.

its my job.

tak selalu ribut

kali terakhir saya jumpa Diana, saya berikan dia buku Faisal Tehrani yg di-sign.

Diana gadis cantik, yg terleka sekejap dgn dunia dan mencuba dadah. rupanya dadah itu terlalu kuat hingga menjadikan sarafnya rosak. Diana menghidap cerebral palsy dan duduk di rumah kebajikan. Jika saya bertanya pasal keluarga, air matanya akan mengalir.Dengarnya keluarganya mewah, mungkin malu untuk menerima hakikat mengenai anak mereka yang cacat sekarang.

Dah lama saya tak jenguk Diana. Harap dia masih tabah. Saya rindu kata-kata semangat darinya. Rindu pegangan tangannya bila dia bagi nasihat. Tuturnya mungkin tidak jelas, tapi dia gadis kuat yang saya kagumi.

office

extra cheerful today, potluck raya.

I've been at Al-Ameen for 1 year and 6 months, a place where I grow up.

its 1st of october!

my friend pointed out i'll be married in 1 month 12 days.

phwoar! now that she said it...

debaran!

i just picked up my wed invitation card yesterday and handed them out to my colleagues.

Iman generously designed our card and this doa card i want to frame in the bridal room.

I'm very touched with people around us who kindly volunteered their skills without asking for anything in return. Alhamdulillah.

may Allah make it easy.

copyright- Iman Abdul Manaf.

kalut

buat sinopsis untuk buku-buku bos nak introduce in frankfurt.

di hadapan saya penuh buku. mata saya lebam menghadap komputer dari pagi.

teringat di zaman universiti- untuk menyiapkan satu sinopsis itu pensyarah beri kami satu hari. itupun jenuh fikir untuk setengah helaian A4.

itupun kecoh tak cukup masa.

how time flies. sekarang tanggungjawab saya lebih lagi.

in the midst of my chaotic life, all the rare peaceful moment like me simply staring at my desk after a hard day's at work just make things..ok.

on taking picture

so he took few pictures of me.

me: why do i look senget in all these pics?

him: well thats just you.

i think one of the best thing about love is when he sees the real you, and he still turns around and simply say 'i love you.'

on money

imran: you know before i met you i thought once i marry i'd ask my wife to manage my finance.

me: why would you do that?

imran: because i thought i'm bad at managing my money. but i met you *cough. and i know now i'm doing just fine.

office

i think my consequent posts after this will be mostly self-centred because i want to write down my days building up to my wedding. it'd be a nice reminder for me when im slightly older.

yesterday me, dad and 2 saksi (ayah kutip di masjid his friends' sons- they are around 22 i think) went to meet the imam to get the approval for me to nikah, and basically to declare i am still a virgin daughter which sounds ridiculous bila dah translate ke english!

it was quite interesting to get to know my saksi's story. one's dad has just passed away because of cologne cancer- i dont know how to spell or what it means. but from dad's story he had been suffering for quite a long time, the desease slowly taking over his body and eventually life. right now the family's slowly picking up the pieces and trying to move on with life. the great thing is they have finished paying off the house and car's loans so at least that burden is off.

another saksi has a brother that took a pilot course; only to give up when doing the final paper. he decided not to take it! he simply decided he cannot go on anymore. if only he had the courage he would have at least complete that final plunge regardless whether he pass or not. it sounds like an unfinished business to me- and dengar macam geram but in the end only he knows whats going on in his head. he's doing some sort of business now and is doing fine.

anyway the imam has put in his diary my date, and inshaAllah at 11.00 am. i reminded Imran that he absolutely cannot be late during nikah! i will pengsan because of the wait!

the imam, he's young also gave his business card. it appears that he has started a business revolving around wedding. he offers wedding photography, dj ing, salawat etc. etc. but we are gonna pass, thank you.

i keep praying, may Allah make it easy. ameen!

right now im at imran's office. he is busy attending to customers. want to take his borang so i can submit to jais soon.

raya

1 day before raya -melaka.

as usual we prepeared for raya food kampung style which is a pain sebab atap zink. panas. nenek menjerit. lagi panas. my nenek is a drama queen and it was quite hard to mantain my patience. i hope i managed quite okay in the eyes of Allah.

2nd day raya-kuantan. we could relax a bit here since wan ada maid, and aunties to help. my cousin got married 3rd raya alhamdulillah. there will be another 1 getting married in 2 weeks but im not sure if i can take further leave prior marriage cuti nanti. i myself but dah fidgeting nak kerja.funny that.there are few tasks that i find engaging at work.

today we just got back to shah alam. a quiet day without my nieces screaming and playing their HEADS off. they rock.

my wedding date has been fixed - insyaallah 13.11.2010. about 2 months from now. may Allah make it easy. i am quite nervous but happier than anything else. just have to find a nice wedding dress and other small details. im not very good with all these girly things, so hopefully things will go smoothly.

have about 1 day before work, want to do some reading and drink coffee. and maybe work on my quilt. and printing eddy's shirt design. i dont know if i can do all.

what i take home

like last year i went to kedai borong kerepek at melawati. or is it kedai kerepek borong?

anyway i bought

1. kerepek pisang
2. kerepek ubi pedas & tak pedas
3. batang buruk
4. biskut beras
5. kuih raya perisa kacang

and i ordered from my friends

6. cookies for bakal mak mentua
7. cookies for my family

and best of all

1 kg's of marshmellow. hopefully i'll get it by today.

takde kuih yg canggih2 but ini yang akan laku!

my raya outfit:

1. abaya with pink flowers

i would love to get beautiful baju kurung but too lazy to face the last minute crowd.

my holiday will start wednesday and off we go to melaka then kuantan on 2nd raya.

1 week off. looking forward to that.

women forgive but never forget

this is a myth that will eat your heart out.

how can you say you have truly forgiven someone if you still remember the fault with bitterness and hate?

and what good does it do to you, to remember your pain?

move on, forget it.

maybe i am too young and optimistic- but at the moment it works fine by me to forgive and forget.

though it will take longer for me to forgive because letting go of grudges is not easy. hehe.

life's too short to reminisce crap.

last 10 days

terasa cepatnya Ramadhan akan pergi.

bila saya baru hendak terasa kemanisannya.

'Allahumma innaka a'fuwun karim, tuhibbul a'fwa fa'fu a'nni.'

Verily you are the Lord who like to forgive, so forgive my sins.

what a humbling experience.

editing

one of the brighter side on doing editing job is learning a new word.

today's words.

terrarium.

akordeon.

polisterena.

i know i'll be dying to use these words at dinner table.

'bla bla bla. terrarium!! bla bla bla.'

agak patetik

i wudnt even say pathetic because the situation is lower than that. thus we shall call it patetik.

the 'fasting' mode has been erased after seven days of off-days.

I'm not sure whether its good to announce to the world about the women off days from fasting because of their menstrual cycle thing. but I guess its just a natural process that we all go through.

I put a packet of Cheapsmore (there are hardly any chips and its not even cheap. patetik 2)
in my bag and would sneak a bite or two at the office. then i would go to surau to drink air masak. its not like these people would mind- but the culture of eating in front of fasting people is not practiced in this office. waah back in the language centre it was different. I would be buying nasik and lauk and eat merrily. miss those days. but gotta go with the flow.

no wedding plan lagi- its not fun to plan a wedding during Ramadhaan. I'd be thinking about my dress for a minute and then before I know it I'd be fantasizing about nasik tomato or coke or ayam.

on the other hand, surprisingly, I like wearing my engagement ring. when I look at it it reminds me that I will have a husband by the end of the year inshaAllah.

whoaa.

I remember Imran texted me- 'I cant wait to be your hasben.'

and I replied. -'and me. your waif.'

3 hari

puasa.

1st day. me and imran did an hiv test- first in our checklist nak kawin. alhamdulillah. negative! hehe. the nurse cakap saya underweight. and imran overweight. great! hehe. but the nurses in klinik Setapak are very friendly. thumbs up! they were surprisingly jolly-not what u'd expect kat klinik kerajaan yang sgt busy. oops.cik Nat pula buat hal sebab i forgot to switch off light but i have a jumper now.

2nd day. sgt weak. because i eat so little i dont have enough energy to forgo fasting comfortably. i slept a lot.

3rd day. today i try to start the day with a glass of milk, cereal, energy bar and fried potato. alhamdulilah better.. its a month of hope for me. hoping for a better me.

A beautiful Saturday

While everyone was busy preparing all the girly stuff I had the best time with cute Nana.



My dad, dad's friends, bro-in-law, uncle and Imran's uncles doing the discussion. It lasted
5- 10 mins only since all the details were discussed priop to this meeting.

Pressies for Imran's family

At the brink of Ramadhaan yesterday. Alhamdulillaah. Was a small engagement gathering to mark my engagement to my husband-to-be InshaAllaah. Some of my collegues were shocked that I was going to put on my daily black abaya and not even a 'blink-blink' scarf. hehehe. Well firstly my abaya is beautiful thank you very much, and inshaAllaah it covers my aurah pretty well. Secondly I like to keep it simple since excessiveness is not part of Islam. My sister suggested a 'teeny lipstick' to cover my imaginary chapped lips (she's so wrong) but in the end I went au natural. yay!


Safiyya Amani didn't come to my engagement but I went to see her. She's a cool baby.

I got another beautiful abaya, some fruits, flowers, cake, a copy of the translated Quran and the tiniest sized ring we could find- since my fingers are very the kecik. Me & Mom who did an awesome job organizing the gathering. and today is her 30th wedding anniversary.

My cheerful family. The only person yg takde, Maryam. This post is for you!

May Allah unite me & Imran in a blessed walimaah soon InshaAllah. We are scouting November this year :).

and may Allah make it easy for my sisters as well.

Shared happiness is such a blessing!

Love is in the air & life's getting to be more beautiful each day...!

Alhamdulillaah!

the big sister

getting used to younger people calling me 'kakak'. yeee.

the culture denotes that its a sign of respect.

pfft.

me and culture dont really really blend well these days.

some people like to ask, those who are still studying.

'hows working life? is it fun? is it fun-ner than studying?'

i dont know about others.

but for me it beats studying in uni.

you get to study what you want and not what your teacher dictates.

you dont worry about exam or test that NEVER ask the question you like anyway.

for me i get to work on new books, much like assignments with all the literature reviews and research- with higher stake- the company's money and waiting anxiously for the market's reaction which is very the exciting.

sure there are lots of boring things.

like taxes.

and your boss might scream at you.

or you dont feel like going to work.

and you dont understand how your money can finish that quick.

but you get to taste the real deal baby.

i'd say embrace ur studying life.

but look forward to the post-studying part.

u'd be surprised at the kind of people you meet.

and the experiences that you cant get in any instituition.

and in my case.

i met imran.

but more on him later.

now i gotta get back to writing some contract for my boss.

My mouth

lunch time.

the kitchen.

washing the pinggan.

my remark to a colleague.

"lepas makan. malas buat kerja. yay!"

i turned around.

Bos patiently waiting to wash his cup.

awkward silence.

yay!

Kuti-kuti

is a lipan banyak kaki yg nakal.

dia juga suka menangis berjela-jela.

He would cry cupfuls of tears.

what!!

currently translating a childrens book to malay.

its an iranian story.

a story about lipan nakal.

thats what im up to.

another story, have failed to materialize for the twentieth times.

whoever says a writing/translationg job is easy should try this Kuti-kuti thing.

I want to Kuti myself.

Yay!

give in

i do not know much about men.

or love.

or even life itself.

but when it comes.

you have just got to trust your heart.

and give in to the bigger picture that God has intended for you.

its a scary thing.

its a risk.

amidst all this vulnerability, i have to admit it is beautiful.

nice!

arrived last night to be greeted by fresh smelling air and dancing trees.

woke up this morning to a wonderful sea sight.

mak ngah said there's a great durian dusun nearby.

i think i'll be visiting my kakak often.

i like Penang!

wah

i wonder why most my posts nowadays seem melancholic.

i am neither depressed or stressed.

perhaps it is the time constrain.

or that i feel my little joy and smile is too worthless to mention.

feels like i wanna take a jar.

and put all this happiness inside.

and take a picture and show you.

boy.

i cant.

Seringkali

Bila ada yang guris hati kita, we are quick to judge and slow to forgive

It is all about me, me, me

But each day

We walk through the day

Expecting to be loved

and forgiven

by Him

Through and through.

Itu yg saya fikirkan pagi tadi.

5.30 pm

Terasa hari ini macam tak mahu pulang.

Saya sedang belajar menggunakan Pagemaker untuk buat brochure syarikat.

Pace yang slow; amat. Tapi belajar benda baru sgt best. Saya sangat curious.

Tapi 5.30 p.m ini.

Saya mesti jumpa cikgu seni saya.

Art printing projek saya terpaksa hold.

Saya lupa formula bancuh paint.

Sebab tidak tulis.

Lesson learnt, yessir.

Terima kasih

Every morning boss will have a meeting with the marketing team.

Giving pep talk.

Occasionally we editors are called to join in to listen.

Occasionally I rave because I feel its irrelevance.

Like today.

'What a waste of time!'

What a silly girl.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

He discussed '7 Habits of Highly Effective People'

Today was chapter 3.

BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND.

Have a mental image of what you want in 3, 10, 20, years.

Imagine the kind of life, relationship, kids, career, faith that you want.

Visualize it.

Till you can almost taste it.

And move towards it.

Bos asked a question.

Simple.

'Ayam nampak sibuk tak?'

'Ayam sentiasa sibuk, tapi tak pernah maju.Manusia pun boleh jadi macam tu. Sibuk. Macam-macam. Tapi lagi 5 tahun. Sama. Masih di situ. Macam ayam.'

Saya tak nak jadi ayam.

Terima kasih Bos.

rindu

blog templat yg lama, tapi saya sudah tidak jumpa.

gigil

aduss

it has been two days

that i sit on this chair

doing work with computer

typing

imagine that

pretty exhausted with 'mundane' activity like this

cant believe i can survive a 9-5 job this long

but herre i am

typing away

head spinning though

adalah sikit rasa satisfied

that im working hard

but largely

i know im underperforming

being here

the frustation of learning to become adult

boleh bikin gigil wooo

I remember

Towards the end of a cold dark winter dulu

Where spring is approaching

There was always that feeling of anticipation

For the first day of spring

For that first bloom of flowers

Sign of life approaching

That dim sun, shining shyly after hiding for months

Shining as if its unsure whether it is time to shine

The leaves sprouting out

Trying to outlive the last blow of the winter wind- fighting harshly for the last time

I wonder if such description

Can equal love

I cant quite describe when it creeps in

or how

I am (definetelyy) no romantic pun

But darn, falling in love feels good.

Someone.

Stole my heart.

Aiyah.

Pengsan.

Maryam

has gone to Poli in Johor doing some food course. i think!

why cant my siblings just stop growing?!

seems like Luke is the last one in the house. and he'll be all grown before i know it.

haiyah.

in 2 weeks angah will sambung master. Penang. another goner.

my application to do textile design in UITM failed.

takpe. i believe in hikmah.

tapi. aritu guling2 lah jugak.

apelah aku nak buat with the rest of my life.

saya kurang pasti.

life, as usual will shape itself in the most unexpected way.

as each day unfolds, im so grateful that I smile and laugh more than I frown.

thank God.

weddings

i couldn't quite make it this June.

except my housemates' wedding -because it was held in section 20.

the music was terrible though. how can you sing a break up song at a wedding.

most importantly, how did you think you can ever sing!

kasihan.

May Allah bless all of those friends who are recently married. May the marriage be full of blessings, romance and joy...

and may Allah help kami2 yang masih bujang ini :).

post sickness

its the demam season.

my colleagues are taking mc alternately.

last week was my turn.

during sickness i always feel so down.

very hard to maintain sabr.

very hard to be grateful.

mashaAllah.

post sickness.

rasa-rasa macam mati hidup semula :)

the days seem brighter.

food tastes better.

small flowers on the street makes me smile.

the congested air pun i breath in gratefully.hehehe.

reminds me of a remark an old friend made -

" i feel like health is the best thing God can give us."

October 22, 2009

Sometimes I find it easier to just say it- Allah I love you. Allah I miss you. Hey thanks for the banana. and stripy socks I love to buy. and for being there for me. providing me with peace amidst this chaos. sometimes I say this out loud. Sometimes they just pop in my head.

I do wish I have all my old diaries. To read all my silly thoughts.

thrown canvas

finally. the canvas shoe is thrown.

July 15, 2008 -i wrote

But I like my canvas shoe.

Dragged it through the snow,
The art class,
Family picnic,

Walked under the sun

can almost smell
The time back then
can almost feel
That young, raw soul
Burning with anger, passion
Trying to understand
Everything

That’s why
It’s still on the shoerack
Underneath all the other shoes
No one’s bothered to throw

Its there you know
For the memory
It holds for me.

you

eye candy!!

pic copyright of Al-Ameen Serve.

behind the scene

of photoshoot Al-Ameen.

ini pics sure rejekk.hehe.

but the unwanted pics lah selalunya berseni.

bagi saya.

hehehe.atas ini.

projek buat ular comel guna socks.

obviously yg ni jadi hodoh.

hodoh tapi buat saya dan kak zai gelak guling-guling :).

tengok mata dia siap ada kerongsang hodoh saya.

hahaha. this pic makes my day!

status

fb kak miah.

'dah kembali ke habit lama..hamstering..tadi baru beli kuaci 1 kilo'

isk.comel!

sudah lama saya tak singgah di sini.

inshaAllah. try to be more rajin.

:).

yesterday

I was sitting near our house sliding door.

Just looking outside.

Enjoying the view.

Tiba-tiba Titi datang.

Dengan baju cotton putih.

That is totally see-through.

No pants.

Just pampers.

Dancing to music that only she can hear.

The wind swaying her clothes.

Her fingers moving delicately.

The sound of her small feet tapping.

'Weh!! Titi can dance porn now!'

'I bet I know who teach her that (looking at Momo)' -Maryam.

Hehe.

Thank God she's only two.

Perhaps Abang Long will think twice now about coming to our place.

Paradise

'Or think that you will enter Paradise without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? They were afflicted with severe poverty and ailments and were so shaken that even the Messenger and those who believed along with him said, 'When (will come) the Help of Allah?' Yes! Certainly the help of Allah is near.' Al-Baqarah:214.

Just finished reading this ayaah Alhamdullilah and I cannot describe the calm and peace that Allah grants me by this one verse.

I just got back, say an hour ago from teaching Adam (7) and Daniel (5) to read Iqra' or the basic book to learn the Quraan.

Hehe. This is a new thing for me.

Even though I have enough things to juggle in my hands I find it quite hard to pass up any new opportunity and learning process.

So. Even though my time management is poor (trying inshaAllah) and my self management is haywire (trying hardd inshaAllah) I quite like to be impulsive and just go for it.

Mom always say 'are you not tired? why can't you just rest?' and 'ok..what now'.

Hehe. Of course I am tired. In fact after work the last thing I wanna do is go out again, drive madly and try to find my socks for the hundredth time in between.

But staying in comfort zone doesn't work for me.

It dulls me up.

Today the boys mummy hug me before I go back.

The way she said thank you.

The way the boys laugh at my silly joke.

Stroking Daniel's hair while he drinks.

Playing games afterwards.

Going back and smiling on my own, and thinking 'not bad, girl!'

hehehe.

and I was thinking of giving this up for a bit of sleep.

Asma' !

*a reminder post for me to jgn malas.

2 weeks late

siri 2-coming out soon.habis siri 3.saya janji nak melompat dan guling2.


i memang dah langgar matiline.

lots of last minute changes.

my own stubborness.

alhamdulillaah. other editors who are as dedicated.

its been a learning process.

today the printer has given its thumbs up.

but as usual. i can only tarik napas bila buku dah sampai nanti.

its a humbling experience, being an editor.

it reminds me of my many shortcomings.

that i cannot work alone to produce great things.

that i must give help, and learn to accept help.

on to the next book.

i love this :)

semua demam, pening, nangis, frustation, risau, nightmare, marah org lain (hehe-yg ni baad) rasanya worth it.

sebab saya kerja untuk Allah.

Yang Satu.

inshaAllah.

*picture copyright of Al-Ameen Serve.
www.ameenbooks.com.my

sunday

is hands down the best day ever.love hanging out with family.

parents are busy talking furniture, wall colour, katil, bla bla bla. personally, i just cant wait to pindah back to our house. that sense of familiarity is pretty much needed to keep me sane.

i mm is looking for my broadband. why cant they make a big bulky broadband that i cannot lose?

on the other hand i wouldn't buy it precisely because of that hahahaa.

i had a weird chicken wing and chocolate shake yesterday; at a cafe where the light hung so low; and you had to ask for tissue. pretty weird. inshaAllah i hope to get a camera soon to capture all this moments.

but then, any convo with a good friend is well worth the bad food.

inshaAllah i will be going to a fundraising dinner this evening, we'll see how it goes. if i get bored i'll just sneak out quietly- whispering to my mate in super pshycothic way ; im a superman really, and its time to save people. hahahaa i should try this.

ok lets get serious.

nah.

its Sunday.

thats not cool

knapa hari ni mcm gelabah?

too much coffee?

not enough sleep?

i find myself looking for my glasses.when im wearing it.

staring at the same page for ages. when it should take 4 mins to read.

not knowing what to eat.

sms ing friends and forgetting what i said.

makan telur rebus sambil edit buku. whaatt.

makan chocolate and then losing half of it. because desk is so messy. double whaattt.

friend asked what i did for mother's day 3 times. and i couldn't comprehend the question.

to top it all.

a msg from a friend.

'i am at secret recipe. early lunch. with a book. chocolate drink. piano music for background. alone.enjoying the me time.'

ok.

officially jealous.

i am gonna find a big tree. with perfect weather. wind blowing. makan yoghurt. letak coklat that i lost (wishful). a good book. silence. and me.

perfect.

if

you have to ask whether its love or not- its not.

you'll just- know.

no degree, master or phd required.

simple.

the best advice i've ever heard on love.

*cold feet. more training to conduct in half hour.

alhamdulillah

alhamdulillahi'alakullihal.

lately lebih banyak tenang.

rezeki lebih banyak melimpah.

ini juga adalah ujian.

ujian syukur itu- kadang lebih payah dari guris hati & air mata.

andai Allah tolehkan pandanganNya dari saya,

seluruh isi dunia pun tiada harganya.

maka.

saya harus terus berlari.

ke arahNya.

whatever it takes.

amat's baby

is due in 2 months.

very excited to meet best friend's baby.

inshaAllah i wanna be there when she's in labour.

well you know, in case Hafiz faints or something.

once I get the baby call.

going to pecut to sungai buloh's hospital.

perhaps doing the emergency run mcm dalam ER.

i don't why.

when Amat & Hafiz got married- I was nervous. Amat pulak yang super relax. macamlah saya yg nak kawin!

and now.

macamlah saya yang nak beranak.

well well well.

born GEDIK. bak kata Ifa. ada aku kesah!

poetry

reading it out loud.

contemplating.

laugh it out.

shed a tear.

dah lama tak jumpa poem that can move me.

dah lama tak baca poem.

rindu.

syok pulak

ada blog.

at least it records 1 part of my brains yang sememangnya messy ni.

oh.

saya sdg nak siapkan final make-up untuk buku yang akan diprint minggu ini.

saya sukakan final-final stage.

proofreading.

double checking.

all the hard work coming together slowly.

sambil2 itu.

antara perbualan yg buat saya senyum.

Ifa bawa perfume branded untuk dijual.

'akak sukalah perfume moksino (moschino) ni.' kata kak Lah.

'kak Noolie, saya nak pegi beli (nasik) ayam dara ni!'

'alah. ayam tu mesti tak dara sebenarnya.'

sambil2 itu.

kak miah beli perfume untuk laki dia.

saya cadangkan buat surprise kat dia, balut n letak bawah bantal. isn't a surprise sgt best? cannot wait to hear abg arif's reaction.

graphic designer saya;yg cakap saya agak mcm firaun bila deadline (huhu I suggested we skip lunch altogether and stay till midnight) hari ni tak ada.

saya godam komputer dia. buat index buku sendiri. curik2 blajar pasal layout. gila best.

sambil itu saya peek music file dia.

ada satu lagu 'suci dalam debu' by saleem. an old song. rock leleh punye. saya layan jugak. pergh.bajet suci (?)

eh eh. saya cakap dlm bahasa ibunda. tak pengsan kan :)

kadang2.

saya berhenti dan fikir.

cantiknya hidup ni.in all its flaw and simplicity.

Allahuakhbar.