Tuesday, January 25, 2011


I have gotten used to going places with my other half that yesterday, when I went to a talk with friends instead it felt...weird. It reminded me of my single days- days without hand holding, or thinking about another person, and days without me being teased to death by my hasben. And i thought my sisters were pretty good. Until i met this one.

Anyway I wish I could shake my old self to not worry too much about things out of my control because God's plan is the most perfect of all.

I used to worry endlessly about who am going to marry, how I'm going to meet this guy because I kept meeting morons, I used to worry whether I will get a good job, whether I can gain weight and I even worry if I will drown while trying to learn to swim. I worry about my family, I worry about when my fish's gonna die. In the end it did die, and I turned out okay. huhu.

And then there are those petty worries that I do not even remember now, but at the time felt so big I thought I will faint. The latest just few days ago when I cant find my thumbdrive and watch and I thought I will die. Well I'm still here.

*Sigh. Those times could have been filled doing better things to improve myself. But what did I do? Worry worry.

dont worry be happy.:D

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

and forgive...

those who have wronged you, in the hope that Allah will forgive you who has wronged Him.

Monday, January 17, 2011

a woman

my lack of experience with men (alhamdulillah) means i have a lot to learn still.

for him it is the physical touch that shows love.

for me its a tangle web of mess, that I realize now, he won't even notice 70% of the time.

it is out of love that I

arrange the books according to its importance so that easier for him to grab

learn how to cook

arrange all medicines in one box

arrange perfumes in my favorite box

clean his desk, his room, his things

dont throw his stuff without permission (though im dying to everyday)

sew sarung bantal, selimut

arrange the bed nicely

wash my hair daily no matter how cold it is so that it looks nice

make sure my clothes match (which i couldnt be bothered before kawin)

constantly clean bloody everything

go crazy when the room is a mess (and he wont even bat an eyelid)

i eat rice more often than i would have

i watch movies with complicated plots that drive me crazy with suspense

and yet this hubby of mine question the depth of my love for him


i dont think he knows that every little thing i do is to please him

and i didnt realize that im showing my love in a way that I think would make me happy

i mean if he sew me a cushion i think i will seriously faint and think this guy is so in love with me!

yes i am twisted in my thinking.

and perhaps selfish at times.

it got me thinking about those people around me that i love so much and how im treating them.

i dont know why its so hard for me to try look at a matter from the other person's perspective.

anyway im so glad we had the discussion.

if you love someone deep enough, show that person the love in a way that he would appreciate and understand the most.and erm perhaps shake him from time to time and say "look i'm doing all these because I LOVE YOU." yes I arranged the toothbrush "cutely" because I love you, no matter how absurd you think that idea is.

Coz men are straightforward thinkers. and women tend to analyze all little things until they go emotional walaupun takde ape-ape sangat (in the men's eyes) pun sebenarnya. huhu. its a different world altogether.

or as my hubby put it, "let's say i think writing French essays is a way for me to show my love for you. would you feel loved then?"

"no, i wouldn't"

lesson learnt, hubby, and I love you despite your terrible analogies.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

uniquely Malaysia

The sweetest sleeper

Yummiest fish

Guess what its made of?

All are EDIBLE

We had fun looking at an engagement party pictures shown by my colleague. Now here's a party I wish I was invited to! Its quite common in villages around Malaysia to have presents made of food, presented as creatively as possible. Normally neighbors would pitch in for the pressies.

Friday, January 14, 2011

eloquent speech

we spent a small portion of the morning calling candidates to confirm their attendance to interview.

Some leave me speechless

"I am heavily pregnant, in fact just waiting for my due date. What do you think?"

"I...err...I'm in Johor."

"Yes I'm definitely coming." Yes! at last! but oh wait, I mistakenly called from the rejected list. And so my colleague helped to make the dreaded "sorry, there have been a mistake" call.

anyway, after long attempts trying to reach them I simply blurt out.

"Okay, nak datang sudah. Tak nak datang, datang!"

Kak Miah asked me quickly. "What are you saying?"

Sometimes we can sound so eloquent, only to realize what we spat out is utter rubbish!!

I hope, I can emulate learned men, where they either speak good, or what will benefit them (i.e. get rewarded for it) or stay quiet.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


Common mistakes (one would think its obvious to avoid these) in resume:

1) Spelling mistakes
2) Messy layout.Not enough spacing, font too small, not pleasing the eye.
3) friendofthedevil@gmail.com, coolprincess@yahoo.com etc. etc.
4) Referee's relationship - FRIEND
5) Willing to travel? No- (and you live in Seremban. So WHY did you apply fora job in KL?)
6) Cropped picture with background. Arghh! Get a passport photo please!
7) Can speak little Chinese. huh? its Mandarin!

and then...
8) Emailing the company- to ask for an email address to send a resume. erm...

the amount of such resume I've seen are... scary. sadly banyak Malay as well.

the purpose of resume is to bag an interview so its worth doing it well. after all the list of shortlisted candidates are usually very...SHORT.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

laki pempuan

hmm i realize my topic of discussions have been mostly focused on the spousehood aspect.

sometimes ada blog ni i feel like i wanna write interesting stuff like ive been snowboarding, and the next day, sky diving, and the next i killed an elephant...or something.

anyway, we were discussing of how women like unnecessary details.

like i ask him, " hey, which pants is this? i like it!"

and he replied, "you know...erm this pants."

and, "do you like my quilt? see how the curvy stiches go with the whole pattern?"

and he i saw his eyes just go off to other direction, like he could not comprehend WHY we'd wanna talk about a quilt, a quilt!

and...i just never give up.

"my cheesecake looks better this time round. i think its the blueberry on top."

"its...a cheesecake. yeah."

i mean gee. he can spend hours explaining to me about the religion, spy tactics or spouting out incomprehensible german he heard from movies, but show him a cute thing and he wont have a clue how to respond. i think if i show him pink polka dots he might just faint.

and so yesterday i said to him,

"let me just pretend to be you so i can understand how you think."

"you cant do that you know, pretend to be me?"

"and why not?"

"you're a woman."

i tried for a second to understand what he could mean by that. is he implying something? was that a sexist remark?

and then i stop.

there is no underlying motive. or implied ideas.

he's just a man.

and me, being a woman, is on to scrounge for the next cute thing to gush at. and i will share it with him, and he will go "mmmmm."

Thursday, January 6, 2011

weaning off self centeredness

letter to self.

not long after you were born you had to wean off from your mother. though the best feeding period is two years, perhaps your mother did not have that much milk. and thus, you no longer cling to her fiercely when you were hungry. sure, it was not easy at first. but you don't even remember the pain now. instinctively you cried, but soon you get used to the new change.

a series of events that mark your growing stages might come to mind. your first day at school, your first bike, and many of firsts after that. during childhood changes was easy. adaptation to new environment was smooth. pain quickly forgotten.

and then adulthood happens. changes to your habit is not as easy now. it has become part of you. to wean off any habit feels like you're giving a part of yourself. and sometimes it is easier to just be yourself without ever seeing the need to change. the uni years were solely focused on yourself. you study to have a good future, you look for a life partner, you dream big.

and that taking care of "self", carries on in the early working years. it was further disguised by few random act of kindness to your family, friends and the community, which at the time feels so big and good. but the truth is it still goes back to you, because it makes you feel good. life keeps getting better. you can afford to look stylish now. you can go places. you listen to your parents, but you know their advice is not always right.

and then it happened. you found someone who makes your heart skip and you don't know why. the smallest things he says make you feel warm inside.life keeps getting better. God must really love me! you think. because you don't realize happiness and contentment is still a test for you. most will be on the same boat as you. when things go great they think its a sign that God is happy with them and thus reward them. when things go bad, they think its a punishment from God. Its like gauging the result before the exam is finished. when all that energy should be focused on trying your outmost best, you are already celebrating or mourning over your own little prediction. how weak is human, so weak that they do not see it.

and so you keep going. you have a partner to complete you now. you have a partner to complain all your desires and worries, your joy and sadness. it just feels so good. its a relationship tied with love and mercy. its a give and take situation. most likely, you are reaping the goodness more than you give. most likely, that person is the better half of you.

and you keep going. there is someone who should help you to improve, but out of love and mercy most of the time he tolerates your complains, shortcoming, and demands.

and thus life goes on. you learnt that the Prophet saw said "If a woman prays her five (daily prayers) fasts her month (Ramadhan), guards her private parts and obey her husband, it will be said to her, enter Paradise through whichever gates of Paradise you wish." Even better, the promise of paradise! the Paradise in which Abu Hurayrah r.a.d reported that the Prophet s.a.w said "The space of a whip in Paradise is better than this world and everything in it." [Bukhari and Muslim]

and then it breaks your heart.

From Ibn 'Abbaass r.a.d who said that the Prophet s.a.w. said, I was shown the fire and found that the majority of its inhabitants were women, due to ingratitude. It was said: "Is it that they disbelieve in Allah?" He said: They are ungrateful to their husbands and deny the good they do. If you were to treat one of them always, and she (then) saw something (displeasing) from you she would say: 'I have never seen any good from you.' [Bukhari]

'Verily the tree of Zaqqoom will be the food of the sinful, like molten brass, it will boil in their insides, like the boiling of scalding water.' [44:43-46]

It breaks your heart to learn that your weakness would most likely be the cause of your own destruction. You cry, but mere tears will not save you.

You know that its about time.

Its time to wean off the self-centeredness.

and it all goes back to the basic of why you are here,

"and I (Allah) created not the jinn and mankind except that they should worship me." [51:56]

and thus it all starts to make sense. that weaning off process, that has happened time and time again each time you are to embark on a new phase in your life is to ready you. for the bigger separation with your own desires and to eventually, slowly submit to your creator.

"Verily Allah has purchased of the believers their lives and their properties for [the price] that theirs shall be the paradise." [9:111]

your self-centered self would think that your deeds would bring you to paradise. its a lifelong habit that has shaped the way you think. it feels so natural.

but the truth hit you time and time again, Abu Hurayrah r.a.d reported that the Prophet s.a.w. said "No one of you will enter Paradise by his deeds alone." They asked, "not even you, O' Messenger of Allah?" He said, "Not even me, unless Allah covers me with His Grace and Mercy." [Muslim]

and it breaks your heart.

Here you are by His grace and mercy. and so you know you must keep the weaning process going, until that final physical separation of your body and soul.

self-centeredness. it has been a journey of comfort, but one with no contentment.

and thus another phase enter.

a phase of perfecting your worship.

but you will discover its nothing new.

that first cry into the world has remarked the start of your journey.

whether you realize it or not.


it breaks your heart.

but something, something that you cant quite point out.

or you dare not say.

that there is no doubt in you that this, this way of life and struggle feels so right.

'Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest. [13:28]

and when you read this,

'Therefore remember Me, I will remember you and be grateful to Me and never be ungrateful to Me.' [2:152]

Your heart skips a bit.

You repeatedly say, remember me, I will remember you. remember me, I will remember you.

It echoes in your mind.

It's love like no other.

Your heart skips a bit.

Of hope and dreams, but this time you will patiently wait and strive until the test truly finish.

Monday, January 3, 2011


how i imagined me as a wife is definitely far from what i am now.

i imagined.me to be.

this cheery energetic wife, who cleans the house happily. and throwing things in the kuali and out come delicious dishes. i imagined a smiley persona, soft hearted, gentle and loving.

what i am.


oh my god. i do not where my short temperedness comes from. i think i was more of a cool headed person before.

little things snap me off. is that dirty laundry out of the basket? i snap. he's late. i snap. is that RUBBISH? i snap.

and all the while he calmly face my moods, temper, and a thousand more things with a smile.

marriage is not easy. the early months is not easy too. here's a roommate with rights over you, in which requires your patience and obedience.

when you are dog tired you still have keep going.

i have cried in his arms simply because i got tired.

i have cried simply because i got scared that i'm not doing good enough.

at these times it is not much fun.

when we fight it is not much fun.

when we got told of our weaknesses its not easy to take it in.

but there is comfort.

in knowing we are growing together.

there is comfort.

when he asks when i'm coming home.

when he says i love you.

or when doesn't say anything at all.

and there is comfort.

knowing this is the person God intends for me. and therefore he must be good for me.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

of lipas

there are lots downstairs. and hasben, ever so silly tries to convince me that there is only one lipas in this world. so the usual dialogue that can be heard while he kills them are,

'i told you not to come back!'

'tak serik-serik!'

and when there are more than one

'you learning magic now? pretending to be more than one?'

'dont believe it sayang its just one lipas, its trying to deceive us! but we know better!'

i swear i can write a comic based on this guy.

which reminds me of another incident yesterday while i was cutting kiwi fruits.

i remarked that the furry like skin is kinda funny.

'you know, in the theory of evolution Kiwi were birds'


'yeah, they couldn't fend for themself so they become Kiwi fruits and other birds ate it.'


i am not that dumb, i was concentrating on the fruit.

and while we were eating it, 'we just killed a bird!'

not buying that, hasben.

cooking etc.

Life is going fast. I miss my family. Though they are so near, our works are too hectic. The little time that we have left is spent for rest, and getting to know each other. I haven't touch my sewing machine for ages; but I did get started on the Ibn Kathir introduction on his tafseer. It gives me goosebump that I am 'listening' to this man's comments with hundred of years separating us. What a blessing mashaAllah to leave something valuable for generations to come. I could not help but wonder, what will I leave to this world? Can I contribute to something worthwhile to help me in the next world?

Anyway the last two days I have jenguk the kitchen after so long. Yesterday I made kurma ayam which is pretty easy but i forgot the salt. My father in law who is always joking around asked me this morning, 'so you guys are not into salt hey?' and I replied 'I did put some salt, just not enough!' and he said 'no salt at all!' and he rambled on about benefits of salt. hah! papa.

Anyway I am so glad my mother in law is kind enough to assist me, in fact i think she did most of the work! anyway she said she likes to cook simple foods but tasty, rather than cooking complicated stuff that is either tak sedap or makes you too tired to even enjoy it afterwards. what excellent advice! she is my kind of girl. today i tried makaroni cincau (throw eveything in and pray hard) and it looks good but i havent try it yet.

even though we are not planning to have a baby soon, i cant help but think about the kind of mother i want to be. the kind of akhlaq i want to instill in my children. and what values want to expose them to. i figure i will have 18 to 20 years, if God wills for me to do that, with them and then they would be adults. i pray that God will grant me children, and children that will be the coolness of our eyes, and let them be soleh and solehah. inshaAllah.

i dont believe motherhood starts when one becomes pregnant. or when one has found a spouse. it is way before that, when you are growing, making mistakes, striving forward for what you think is for yourself but in reality you are already on your way to become a mother. i was aware of this few years ago and though it sounds quite impossible i feel that i already love the babies, that if God wills will grant to us as amanah.

anyway, I am enjoying this time where there's just the two of us. alhamdulillah hasben has been really patient with me with my many weaknesses.

i really should be more patient too!

will send lunch to hasben soon and maybe do some shopping.