weaning off self centeredness

letter to self.

not long after you were born you had to wean off from your mother. though the best feeding period is two years, perhaps your mother did not have that much milk. and thus, you no longer cling to her fiercely when you were hungry. sure, it was not easy at first. but you don't even remember the pain now. instinctively you cried, but soon you get used to the new change.

a series of events that mark your growing stages might come to mind. your first day at school, your first bike, and many of firsts after that. during childhood changes was easy. adaptation to new environment was smooth. pain quickly forgotten.

and then adulthood happens. changes to your habit is not as easy now. it has become part of you. to wean off any habit feels like you're giving a part of yourself. and sometimes it is easier to just be yourself without ever seeing the need to change. the uni years were solely focused on yourself. you study to have a good future, you look for a life partner, you dream big.

and that taking care of "self", carries on in the early working years. it was further disguised by few random act of kindness to your family, friends and the community, which at the time feels so big and good. but the truth is it still goes back to you, because it makes you feel good. life keeps getting better. you can afford to look stylish now. you can go places. you listen to your parents, but you know their advice is not always right.

and then it happened. you found someone who makes your heart skip and you don't know why. the smallest things he says make you feel warm inside.life keeps getting better. God must really love me! you think. because you don't realize happiness and contentment is still a test for you. most will be on the same boat as you. when things go great they think its a sign that God is happy with them and thus reward them. when things go bad, they think its a punishment from God. Its like gauging the result before the exam is finished. when all that energy should be focused on trying your outmost best, you are already celebrating or mourning over your own little prediction. how weak is human, so weak that they do not see it.

and so you keep going. you have a partner to complete you now. you have a partner to complain all your desires and worries, your joy and sadness. it just feels so good. its a relationship tied with love and mercy. its a give and take situation. most likely, you are reaping the goodness more than you give. most likely, that person is the better half of you.

and you keep going. there is someone who should help you to improve, but out of love and mercy most of the time he tolerates your complains, shortcoming, and demands.

and thus life goes on. you learnt that the Prophet saw said "If a woman prays her five (daily prayers) fasts her month (Ramadhan), guards her private parts and obey her husband, it will be said to her, enter Paradise through whichever gates of Paradise you wish." Even better, the promise of paradise! the Paradise in which Abu Hurayrah r.a.d reported that the Prophet s.a.w said "The space of a whip in Paradise is better than this world and everything in it." [Bukhari and Muslim]

and then it breaks your heart.

From Ibn 'Abbaass r.a.d who said that the Prophet s.a.w. said, I was shown the fire and found that the majority of its inhabitants were women, due to ingratitude. It was said: "Is it that they disbelieve in Allah?" He said: They are ungrateful to their husbands and deny the good they do. If you were to treat one of them always, and she (then) saw something (displeasing) from you she would say: 'I have never seen any good from you.' [Bukhari]

'Verily the tree of Zaqqoom will be the food of the sinful, like molten brass, it will boil in their insides, like the boiling of scalding water.' [44:43-46]

It breaks your heart to learn that your weakness would most likely be the cause of your own destruction. You cry, but mere tears will not save you.

You know that its about time.

Its time to wean off the self-centeredness.

and it all goes back to the basic of why you are here,

"and I (Allah) created not the jinn and mankind except that they should worship me." [51:56]

and thus it all starts to make sense. that weaning off process, that has happened time and time again each time you are to embark on a new phase in your life is to ready you. for the bigger separation with your own desires and to eventually, slowly submit to your creator.

"Verily Allah has purchased of the believers their lives and their properties for [the price] that theirs shall be the paradise." [9:111]

your self-centered self would think that your deeds would bring you to paradise. its a lifelong habit that has shaped the way you think. it feels so natural.

but the truth hit you time and time again, Abu Hurayrah r.a.d reported that the Prophet s.a.w. said "No one of you will enter Paradise by his deeds alone." They asked, "not even you, O' Messenger of Allah?" He said, "Not even me, unless Allah covers me with His Grace and Mercy." [Muslim]

and it breaks your heart.

Here you are by His grace and mercy. and so you know you must keep the weaning process going, until that final physical separation of your body and soul.

self-centeredness. it has been a journey of comfort, but one with no contentment.

and thus another phase enter.

a phase of perfecting your worship.

but you will discover its nothing new.

that first cry into the world has remarked the start of your journey.

whether you realize it or not.

self-awakening.

it breaks your heart.

but something, something that you cant quite point out.

or you dare not say.

that there is no doubt in you that this, this way of life and struggle feels so right.

'Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest. [13:28]

and when you read this,

'Therefore remember Me, I will remember you and be grateful to Me and never be ungrateful to Me.' [2:152]

Your heart skips a bit.

You repeatedly say, remember me, I will remember you. remember me, I will remember you.

It echoes in your mind.

It's love like no other.

Your heart skips a bit.

Of hope and dreams, but this time you will patiently wait and strive until the test truly finish.